Okay so I’ve mentioned about a million times that I’ve been super busy recently. But, here we go again (I promise this post is gonna get better). As you may know, I had a bunch of blog posts scheduled for a month and a half. I didn’t have to blog much through September and most of October and could concentrate on the rest of my life. However, now all the scheduled posts are over and I’m back to writing in real time and my brain is very confused.
You see, (I’ve also mentioned this a million times, I’m a broken record didn’t you know?) this year I’ve started working as deputy editor of the wellbeing section of my Uni’s newspaper. It’s amazingly fulfilling and I love being able to write in a different place. However, it’s making me starkly aware of the problem I have with compartmentalisation.
It’s not a recent problem at all. For as long as I can remember I’ve liked to sort my life into different categories. When I was younger I had my dance school life, my primary school life, and my home life. They weren’t allowed to cross over. I couldn’t do dance classes at school and my friends from dance were completely separate from my friends at primary school. My brain likes to sort things into boxes, and has severe trouble when the boxes decide that they want to mix together.
When I was a child, my brain just couldn’t handle it if things wanted to mix, however I got a lot better at managing it as I grew older. Don’t get me wrong, I still had the odd moment or two… When I started my part time job at 18 half of the staff were in the same year and same sixth form as me, and yet our work friendships and (in some case, lack of) school friendships had to be kept separate. When I got to University, it no longer seemed like an issue; last year I was happy for my best friends and my boyfriend to come visit and meet my Uni friends. In fact, I completely forgot how bad I used to be with parts of my life mixing… Until recently.
Recently, writing posts like this about how I’m feeling and how I’m doing mentally have made me feel uneasy. Not because I have a problem sharing – since blogging I’ve actually been really open about my mental health. Honestly, for a while I had no idea why they were making me feel uncomfortable… and then it all clicked.
I’m an editor of a section of a newspaper all about mental health. My role is to write, organise and edit articles exclusively about mental health for this paper. Every time I come to write a piece about it for my blog, it doesn’t feel right because it feels like I should be doing it for the paper. I’m back to compartmentalising: mental health pieces go onto Epigram, pieces about anything else can go on my blog. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no one telling me this; no one from the paper is particularly controlling about what I put in the paper and what I put on here. However, to my mind writing similar pieces for both just doesn’t compute.
It’s entirely a personal problem, and I’m navigating my way around it (look at me, writing this post all about my mind – see I’m getting past it!) but I thought I’d explain what’s been going on, because if I can’t unleash all my problems on the internet why did I make a blog in the first place? I’m still loving blogging, and my Project 2017 series is one of my favourites – I don’t want to stop discussing my mental health on here! I just have to find some balance, which I am working on at the moment.
Thank you for bearing with me! (Although, you probably didn’t notice the absence of mental health posts in the first place…) And if you feel like keeping up with a totally cool mental health & wellbeing section of a paper run by some pretty amazing people (If I do say so myself) follow @epigramWB on Twitter!
Lots of love,