The Hardest Week of my Year (So Far)

The Hardest Week of my Year (So Far)

I don’t know if anybody noticed but I’ve missed the last 3 uploads on my blog.  For the first time it wasn’t because of deadlines (Which I do have) or my social life or internship (Which are still happening).  I’m going to be honest, I had the roughest week I’ve had all year.
I know that sounds incredibly dramatic and trust me I’m usually one to downplay things as much as I can, but I didn’t know how intense this week would end up being and how much it would affect me.  It wasn’t to do with overworking or being overtired – those are always factors in my life and I’ve been burnt out for a while.  Some things happened, things that I’m not going to go into because it’s not my business to share them and I still like to retain some privacy on the internet, and it all really shook me up.  I’m writing this post for a couple of reasons: the first being that I feel like I need to explain why I disappeared (Even though I know it doesn’t matter and no one judges me/cares about it) and the second being that right now blogging is the best kind of therapy for me, so I really need this right now.
I spent the beginning of the week trying to remain strong.  I didn’t actively do it, but I’ve started to notice that it’s instinctual behaviour for me… The second it feels like anyone close to me needs someone to be strong that’s it, anything I’m feeling myself disappears and I work on making sure that they’re alright.  I understand that it’s not exactly a bad trait to have, and honestly I like the fact that I’m able to do it, because nothing means more to me than making sure my loved ones around me are okay.  However, in this particular situation it ended up being detrimental towards me.  My mind just stopped processing my own emotions: I was incredibly spaced out and distant, my work wasn’t the same, I wasn’t replying to texts as often (if at all) and I honestly felt like I was just floating mindlessly through life.  I (In what appears to be classic Jasmine fashion) locked myself away from everything that I could under the guise that “everything was fine”… It was not.
It wasn’t until Sunday when I was talking the situation through with a friend and they went “But how are you feeling about the whole thing?  It must have affected you too.” that I finally lost composure.  It was like, until then, I had paused the whole situation and only half acknowledged what had happened, but at that moment everything un-paused and came barrelling towards me at once.  I broke down.  And it wasn’t pretty.  All my thoughts and feelings came to the surface, and honestly, I didn’t even realise at the time but it was the first time that I had allowed myself to admit that I was not okay.  I kept trying to act like I was fine, because the situation wasn’t about me and I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel anything, but, as multiple friends and my mother explained to me I was allowed to say that I was affected.  Of course I was affected, it was a very intense situation to be a part of.
I guess another reason why I’m writing this is to make it clear that you should never feel like you aren’t entitled to admit that something upset you.  I spent a lot of this week in denial of the fact that I felt anything to do with this situation because “It wasn’t allowed to be about me”, and I ended up worse off because of it.  We can’t help what affects us and we should never feel like “downplaying” is an option because it isn’t an effective one!  We all feel things and we all have emotions and we’re allowed to, it’s how we were created.  You aren’t “selfish” for wanting to express these, as long as you express them in a considerate manner.  Bottling things up is one of the unhealthiest coping mechanisms, (Or at least, it is for me) so if you have people that will listen to you then take them up on it and let them listen!  If you don’t have anyone, consider other ways to express yourself, whether that’s with a diary, or ranting to yourself, or expressing it through art, or even just having a good old cry (They can be quite therapeutic sometimes).  
You should never feel like your feelings don’t matter.  All our feelings matter.  That’s something I personally need to get better at remembering.
Hope you’re all great!  I’m back and should (hopefully) be posting everyday for the rest of the week because I do have a lot of content I want to create this December and it would be nice to make up for the missed posts.  On a more positive note, there were some good things that happened over the last week (Not that I was really in a position to appreciate them properly at the time), so I’ll be talking about those tomorrow as I like to try and take the bad with the good!
Lots of love,
Jas xx
 
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17 Comments

  1. December 13, 2017 / 5:23 am

    Jasmine sweet amazing strong angel you’re one of the best people i know and you don’t have to be strong for everyone. if you ever think you do, take a minute to let to let people be strong for you too!!!! I love you SO MUCH and if you ever wanna talk about stuff my ears are so wide open and also my ARMS to HUG THE HECK OUTTA YOU IN LIKE 9 DAYS!!!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💖

    • December 13, 2017 / 11:20 am

      Awwwwww Eni 😭 I love you SO MUCH you have no idea how excited I am to see you again because it’s been 1000 years 💕
      Jas xx

  2. December 13, 2017 / 5:10 pm

    I’m sorry that this is something you have been going through.. 🙁 In the midst of trying to be a good student, good daughter, good friend, good whomever, we can sometimes stretch ourselves to thin. Take time for yourself girl, there is nothing wrong with realizing that you are not superwomen, none of us are. Self care and expressing those deep feelings is important. Love you my friend, and thank you for this open and raw post 🙂
    Nikki O.

    • December 13, 2017 / 9:33 pm

      Thank you so much Nikki. I am going to use this Christmas period to take some time for myself and really focus on me, I’m hoping it will make a difference. Your words mean so much so thank you!
      Jas xx

  3. December 13, 2017 / 5:58 pm

    Jasmine, I can completely relate to this and I felt for you as I was reading this post, and I really hope you’re OK, or at least doing a bit better now. *hugs* You are so incredibly kind, supportive and hardworking, and I hope you manage to get some time to rest and look after you now. It can be really difficult when, if you’re someone who is a people pleaser like I am, to admit when you’re feeling burned out or when something has happened that didn’t sit right with you. I am glad you had someone to talk to, and I hope you’ve got that support system with you, but I am always here too if you need to chat as well. Also, completely agree that bottling things up is the worst, it’s so bad for your health so having any kind of outlet for it is good, and never feel wrong for wanting to express that either – we’re all human and all go through these things, so I hope you’re doing OK and feeling a bit better now, but if not, look after yourself. I hope that whatever happened has passed or is close to being resolved too. Take care lovely! <3 – Tasha

    • December 13, 2017 / 10:08 pm

      Tasha this was honestly the loveliest comment, it means so much to me. Thank you so much I’m coping, and you’re honestly the sweetest, most precious person I’ve met through blogging, your words mean to much. I’m coping a lot better now, now that I’m home, and Christmas should be good. Thank you again for your words.
      Jas xx

      • March 7, 2018 / 12:35 am

        Awww lovely, that means the world! I am so sorry it’s been so long since I was blogging, I had to have a break, but I am back now so will be catching up with your blog tomorrow! <3

          • March 7, 2018 / 12:40 am

            Thank you lovely. <3 My Mum wasn't too well last week and was in hospital so it's been hectic, but things seem to be getting better now. 🙂 Promise will catch up with you tomorrow, heading to bed now!

          • March 7, 2018 / 2:08 am

            I’m glad things are getting better! Have a good sleep.
            Jas xx

          • March 8, 2018 / 11:02 pm

            Thank you lovely <3

  4. December 16, 2017 / 1:53 pm

    (Hugs) xxx

  5. December 16, 2017 / 3:14 pm

    I think we all have that moment when we’re so focused on everyone and everything else we can’t see how hard it is for ourselves. I’m so glad you have such a good friend who really wanted to listen to you. That’s a huge gift.
    I’m sorry you had a tough week–but so glad you have people in your life and the self-awareness to recognize when you’ve gone down the rabbit hole and need to find yourself again. Wishing you well!

    • December 16, 2017 / 3:15 pm

      Thank you so much. Honestly, it’s great to be getting back to me!
      Jas xx

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