I don’t know if anybody noticed but I’ve missed the last 3 uploads on my blog. For the first time it wasn’t because of deadlines (Which I do have) or my social life or internship (Which are still happening). I’m going to be honest, I had the roughest week I’ve had all year.
I know that sounds incredibly dramatic and trust me I’m usually one to downplay things as much as I can, but I didn’t know how intense this week would end up being and how much it would affect me. It wasn’t to do with overworking or being overtired – those are always factors in my life and I’ve been burnt out for a while. Some things happened, things that I’m not going to go into because it’s not my business to share them and I still like to retain some privacy on the internet, and it all really shook me up. I’m writing this post for a couple of reasons: the first being that I feel like I need to explain why I disappeared (Even though I know it doesn’t matter and no one judges me/cares about it) and the second being that right now blogging is the best kind of therapy for me, so I really need this right now.
I spent the beginning of the week trying to remain strong. I didn’t actively do it, but I’ve started to notice that it’s instinctual behaviour for me… The second it feels like anyone close to me needs someone to be strong that’s it, anything I’m feeling myself disappears and I work on making sure that they’re alright. I understand that it’s not exactly a bad trait to have, and honestly I like the fact that I’m able to do it, because nothing means more to me than making sure my loved ones around me are okay. However, in this particular situation it ended up being detrimental towards me. My mind just stopped processing my own emotions: I was incredibly spaced out and distant, my work wasn’t the same, I wasn’t replying to texts as often (if at all) and I honestly felt like I was just floating mindlessly through life. I (In what appears to be classic Jasmine fashion) locked myself away from everything that I could under the guise that “everything was fine”… It was not.
It wasn’t until Sunday when I was talking the situation through with a friend and they went “But how are you feeling about the whole thing? It must have affected you too.” that I finally lost composure. It was like, until then, I had paused the whole situation and only half acknowledged what had happened, but at that moment everything un-paused and came barrelling towards me at once. I broke down. And it wasn’t pretty. All my thoughts and feelings came to the surface, and honestly, I didn’t even realise at the time but it was the first time that I had allowed myself to admit that I was not okay. I kept trying to act like I was fine, because the situation wasn’t about me and I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel anything, but, as multiple friends and my mother explained to me I was allowed to say that I was affected. Of course I was affected, it was a very intense situation to be a part of.
I guess another reason why I’m writing this is to make it clear that you should never feel like you aren’t entitled to admit that something upset you. I spent a lot of this week in denial of the fact that I felt anything to do with this situation because “It wasn’t allowed to be about me”, and I ended up worse off because of it. We can’t help what affects us and we should never feel like “downplaying” is an option because it isn’t an effective one! We all feel things and we all have emotions and we’re allowed to, it’s how we were created. You aren’t “selfish” for wanting to express these, as long as you express them in a considerate manner. Bottling things up is one of the unhealthiest coping mechanisms, (Or at least, it is for me) so if you have people that will listen to you then take them up on it and let them listen! If you don’t have anyone, consider other ways to express yourself, whether that’s with a diary, or ranting to yourself, or expressing it through art, or even just having a good old cry (They can be quite therapeutic sometimes).
You should never feel like your feelings don’t matter. All our feelings matter. That’s something I personally need to get better at remembering.
Hope you’re all great! I’m back and should (hopefully) be posting everyday for the rest of the week because I do have a lot of content I want to create this December and it would be nice to make up for the missed posts. On a more positive note, there were some good things that happened over the last week (Not that I was really in a position to appreciate them properly at the time), so I’ll be talking about those tomorrow as I like to try and take the bad with the good!
Lots of love,
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Hey, I'm Jasmine Burke. A girl in her twenties fresh out of Uni that's trying to write in any way that she can. I go under the branch of "lifestyle" but honestly, you can find pretty much anything on here.
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