I am exhausted.
That’s nothing new; I survive on around 4 hours of sleep a night, I don’t really do the whole coffee thing, and I spend a lot of the time moving around doing things. However, I think I’ve reached a whole new level of exhaustion and it’s incredibly overwhelming.
There was a moment last night where I was lying in bed, thinking of how many things are on my hypothetical to-do list, and all I wanted to do was shrivel up into a hole and do nothing. However, I can’t shrivel up into a hole. I have responsibilities, and deadlines and nothing’s allowed to stop until summer, so I just have to deal with it… and it’s becoming increasingly difficult.
It shouldn’t be like this… Due to the University tutor UCU strikes, I haven’t had lectures or seminars in over 3 weeks. Most people are doing nothing and enjoying their free time, and yet I have been busier than I have ever been. I’ve been between Bristol and London almost every single weekend; I’m travelling between the two for the next two weeks again. I’ve had birthdays and events and essays and social media upkeep (Which sounds really shallow, but when it’s a vital part of your blog traffic, it means a lot). I’ve been a terrible friend, and disassociated in a lot of social situations, and every time a friend private messages me for a “catch up” I’ve felt like I don’t have the time to discuss my life, because then I’m already behind where I’m supposed to be.
My life right now is a whirlwind, and it’s hard to tell whether I’m actually experiencing it or merely floating through. What was once a hobby because I liked to write now has the equivalent amount of hours as a full time job, and when you have to manage that with an editorial position, an in-term internship, and University work (Because apparently, even though I’m not being taught I still have to catch up and go through all the books and lecture slides myself), it becomes incredibly overbearing. However, the issue is that I don’t want to stop. It’s gotten to the point where my blog is what I care deeply about, and what I’m actually passionate about doing and University has become a necessity that’s just kind of going on in the background. Honestly, I feel like a lot of that comes from the fact that, as I said, I haven’t had lessons in over 3 weeks, so I’m finding it hard to form the same attachments and enthusiasm for my course.
I feel downtrodden and like all the energy has been beaten out of me, but I have to keep going. I don’t have “time off” until exams are over, and even then, the energy has to be put into levelling up my blog, because that’s the only real time I have to dedicate to it. Am I addicted to work? Possibly. Am I floating through my life and not actually living it? I think I might be… and that part terrifies me the most.
I don’t know, I’ve never felt this… out of it before. I plan to work through it, but again, I don’t really know when I’ll have the time to. I guess I’m just really thankful for the friends and family that stick through it all; they support me even when I ignore messages (Not on purpose, just because life is so intense right now), and still smile as I pop in and out of their lives. I’m trying to be there for everyone but I’m spread so thin right now and its hard, so I have so much appreciation for everyone that’s sticking in.
This was such a ramble, but this is what this series is for… Life isn’t always easy and I want to show that it’s okay to rant about the bad as well as the good, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. I need to take a step back and take a breath, but who knows when I’ll have the time? We’ll see.
How are you doing at the moment? Let me know in the comments!
Lots of love,
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I am exhausted.