A Letter to those who Accept my "Crazy"

A Letter to those who Accept my "Crazy"

To those who accept my “crazy”,

I know that I’m not always the easiest person to deal with.  Sometimes my brain takes over and I lose control, and nothing feels as it should and I begin to doubt everything that I’ve come to know.

I push you away, I say things I don’t mean, and I cry.  A lot.  I wish that I could tell you it won’t happen again.  I wish I could tell you that everything’s fine and I’ll always be happy and supportive and “easy to deal with”.  However, the truth is I can’t guarantee that.  I try and keep as much as I can to myself but sometimes others get caught in the crossfire and I hate it.  Feeling like a burden isn’t fun, and neither is bringing you into things.  I appreciate you so much for not letting it affect how you act around me.

I think I get scared and withdrawn because I’m so used to people using my imperfections against me.  I’ve had past “friends” tell me that they can’t be friends with me if “I can’t sort myself out”, or take my asks for help as “begs for attention”.  (Ironically, those same people now preach how important mental health awareness is every time a celebrity they love commits suicide).

It’s become increasingly hard for me to trust people.  I often worry that people won’t still stick around if I’m not the constant supportive, happy-go-lucky girl I put across most of the time.  I don’t want to cry in front of you.  I don’t want to tell you that I haven’t gotten out of bed in 4 days.  I don’t want to come across as an insecure, attention-seeking mess… But sometimes I can’t help it.  And I’m so thankful that you don’t let that define our whole relationship.

The truth is, 70% of the time I’m not a fragile person…  I portray myself with some sort of confidence and laid back attitude.  However, that other 30%, my mental health plummets to rock bottom, which may be hard for you to process.  I’m not a personification of my bad mental health, but it is a part of me, and sometimes that will come through.  You don’t have to know how to deal with it – I don’t even properly know how to deal with it, and I’m not going to look to you to “fix” me.  However, I want you to know that I appreciate you being there, and not taking everything personally.

Half of the time I think that it would be better to cut everyone out of my life and go it alone, because I’m undeserving.  But I’m not undeserving.  I like to think that I try hard to give as much, if not more, than I take in friendships.   However, that doesn’t stop me feeling like a burden sometimes.  Am I a burden?  If I am, I’m sorry, but know that I am always here to help you if you need it.

I guess the point of this letter is to tell you that it’s hard for me sometimes, and I know that that must make it hard for you too.  I’m so glad that you’ve stuck around and I’m so sorry if I’ve ever negatively influenced your mood.  My life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, and I try to be as little effort as I can, but sometimes I need a little more reassurance.

 

Hope you liked this, just a little something I’ve been thinking about and needed to get out for a while.  Obviously, this is quite a personal and honest post, so please be nice in the comments.

Lots of love,

Jas xx

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42 Comments

  1. Aleeha and Lucy - HALE
    June 7, 2018 / 12:22 am

    …i couldn’t relate anymore to this post… especially at the moment. I don’t know whats going on, but i keep trying to cut my friends off without realising because i’m probably just annoying them and a ‘burden’.
    Aleeha xXx
    https://www.halesaaw.co.uk/

    • June 7, 2018 / 9:09 am

      I do the exact same thing and it’s hard to stop it or own up to it. Hope you’re okay, and I’m always here to talk if you need to!
      Jas xx

  2. June 7, 2018 / 12:27 am

    Do you know what Jas, I love how you haven’t been overly apologetic in this post… because we’re all human beings, and to expect others to be positive all the time is unrealistic and unfair. I totally share your feeling about needing reassurance sometimes – I feel like being a blogger makes some people think that you’re totally immune to negativity which is just so far from the truth! Your writing always seems so honest and straightforward – really enjoy your posts. Xxx

    • June 7, 2018 / 9:11 am

      Thank you so much Hebah ❤️ and yeah, I’m trying to get better at owning up to things but not necessarily apologising all the time, because a lot of these things are natural
      Jas xx

  3. June 7, 2018 / 4:34 am

    People should always accept you for whoever you are, a little crazy is good x

  4. June 7, 2018 / 9:02 am

    I love how honest your posts are Jas, I feel like in a way, it makes it easier for your readers to connect with you. I also love how you didn’t fill this letter with apologies because you don’t need to. We’r all human and we all have the right not to be ourselves sometimes. I can relate a lot to some of the things you said in this post aswell. Keep up the fab work xx

    • June 7, 2018 / 9:12 am

      Thank you so much! I worked so hard on getting the write balance between apologising and also Just acknowledging that this is me, so I’m glad that came through.
      Jas xx

      • June 7, 2018 / 9:19 am

        You did a great job. I’m sure a lot of people will be able to relate to you xx

  5. June 8, 2018 / 1:52 am

    I can completely relate to this. you are not alone. such relatable content.

  6. June 8, 2018 / 8:49 am

    Wow, this was powerful!! I hope it was therapeutic for you to write this and put it out into the world. Sending loving vibes 💕
    lifeslittlemusings.com

  7. June 9, 2018 / 8:40 am

    Good for you for writing such an honest post. Very brave,and bloggers should do it more often. I wrote a post about my anxiety a while back. It was so hard to hit that ‘publish’ button but I’m so glad I did. Well done you for having the courage to do it too 🙂

    • June 9, 2018 / 8:41 am

      Thank you! It was definitely one of my harder posts to click publish on
      Jas xx

  8. June 9, 2018 / 9:07 am

    A well written authentic read. Thank you, who is truly in a position to judge and we are all crazy in different ways that is what makes us human.

  9. Jas, your true friends will stick with you through the low moments because although your mental health doesn’t define you, it is a part of what makes you “you” You don’t need to apologise, but just thank them occasionally, like you have here, and they will know that your friendship is worth it x

    • June 9, 2018 / 9:45 am

      Yeah, my true friends have been amazing, hence the appreciation post
      Jas xx

  10. June 9, 2018 / 9:44 am

    Hard post to write and get right Jas. So much goes through a mind that overthinks everything and catastrophises about the impact of depression on others. Many people struggle to empathise if they have never really been depressed. I get annoyed sometimes when I hear people regaling dramas about the subject and pop antidepressants as if it’s some vogue fashion accessory. If irs that simple people with deep seated issues wouldn’t have them. In reality those with that are less likely to seek help and shut down socially to protect themselves from further harm. It’s very counterproductive and thrown at us by the section of the brain that doesn’t want to change. It’s comfort zone reinforcement. Executive function gets disabled and the default mind keeps the status quo in the wrong mindset. For an intelligent person, which I know you are, that’s a disaster as we overthink everything and can’t understand why the depression can’t be exorcised. Friends often can’t understand that. Some step back, others get worn out and because we see that happening we shy away even more.
    Very important to reach out and here is a wonderful place to do it. You’re not alone and I do understand this subject through deep seated research of my own for a very long time. I’ve trued therapists and almost everything short of pharmaceuticals. The best one for me was mindfulness as it made more sense to recognise a potential dip and do something to distract it from settling. Sounds easy, but it’s not always!
    Depression is rather like a habit akin to addiction. It moves in easily and often unnoticed until it’s settled in. Breaking out is much less easy!

    • June 9, 2018 / 9:46 am

      Thank you for your lovely comment Gary, everything you said was so true.
      Jas xx

      • June 9, 2018 / 10:40 am

        Alas experience enters my comments on this subject! I also have tonnes of advice I don’t follow too Jas! Just don’t self isolate. It might feel right, but give it time and that one will bite you hard xx

        • June 9, 2018 / 11:05 am

          I try not too, no matter how much I might want to at times
          Jas xx

          • June 9, 2018 / 11:51 am

            I so understand that Jas. the question to ask is who is if that doesn’t want to? You, or that default mind that is resisting everything. If you can pause and ask that question rather than overthink, have a focussed internal conversation challenging why you don’t want to then sometimes it actually turns round. Even trivial things. Ignore bigger pictures and chunk things down. Make them doable. It’s very easy to give in and that’s exactly what the depression wants. The other thing to look at is older people who didn’t address it. Is that where you want to be in ten years time? Harsh realisation sometimes x

  11. June 9, 2018 / 10:05 am

    It sounds like you have good support- your own strong self. You are honest to the bone.
    I love your new look blog too!

  12. June 9, 2018 / 11:39 am

    I’m going to echo what someone said above – It’s refreshing to see someone talk about these things without excessively apologizing for being absent or for feeling this way. As someone who can relate to many of the things you’ve discussed here, I feel indecorous and selfish by thinking (and now saying) that I’m not alone! It’s just comforting? (that sounds wrong too) to know there are people out there who understand, especially when there are [some] people close to me who don’t. Empathy is sometimes difficult to practice, especially when emotions and the mental state can’t be easily described, but it’s those who try their best to empathize that make it a little easier (for me, at least) – it’s definitely something the world could use more of.

  13. June 9, 2018 / 12:48 pm

    Firstly Jas, I hope the exams have gone well for you – my sons have both finished their uni exams (one has finished uni!), and my girl has the bulk of GCSEs done now – 3 to go! I have always loved your honesty and intimacy in your posts – we have spoken before about mental health. Your letter rings so many bells with me – from both a mental health and chronic health view point. As a family who have had some major mental health issues in recent years – lots of happy pills in our house! – and having seen my physical health go downhill, some of the people who I can now depend on are not those I would have listed as my dependables 10 years ago, even 4 years ago when hubby became ill. Funny how “friends’ fall by the way side isn’t it? I understand the undeserving feeling – why on earth should people run around after me when I have become the needy friend. It is tiring keeping up with people when you are unwell too – and only someone who has been in a similar position can understand that. Some days I can’t face replying to emails, texts, messages etc; other days the brain fog descends and I just don’t remember; this doesn’t mean that I don’t value those friends who have contacted me – but I’m not sure if they always realise this. Tough isn’t it? particularly when you are young and expected to be having a good time! But you are doing everything right – I said this to my son (who was unable to take his exams in Jan as his depression had been bad at the end of his first term away) when he told me that his housemates for next year know about his depression, migraines, drugs and self harming. Speaking out is a huge thing – well done you (and there are plenty of us in your on line family to support you!) sending love xxx

    • June 9, 2018 / 11:46 pm

      This was such a lovely comment Claire thank you! I hope your daughter’s last 3 GCSE’s go well, my little sister has 4 left! It’s true, you really learn who is there for you and who’s not, and the best way to find out is by talking about it. I’m so glad that your son has found people that he can talk to about his own issues as it’s so important, especially in a situation where you’re living away from home!
      Jas xx

      • June 14, 2018 / 11:42 am

        I always love reading your posts -bit slow replying as having a rough week with pain myself. This week I feel like I have done chemistry myself – only German Gcses left to go! You carry on being you and inspiring others – I am very proud of you!!

        • June 15, 2018 / 4:14 am

          I hope your week has gotten better pain-wise! And thank you so much for your kind words.
          Jas xx

  14. June 9, 2018 / 11:43 pm

    You are not a burden, and anyone who tries to make you feel that way, or calls you ‘attention seeking’ for trying to reach out and get help is kinda awful and not someone you want in your life. I do understand that mental health can sometimes make an individual difficult to deal with (first hand experience haha) and also how it can make you feel bad, but as you said, you’re not a personification of your mental health so you shouldn’t feel bad for your difficult days. I admire the vulnerability and honesty you express in this post, because it’s not easy to open up like this and expose such personal fears, but it’s really reassuring for those of us who’ve had similar experiences (I can definitely relate to feeling like a pain whenever my anxiety takes over and starts dictating my behaviour and stuff). You seem like a lovely, strong person and I hope you’re doing well. Thanks so much for sharing!

    • June 9, 2018 / 11:47 pm

      Thank you so much for reading the post! It can be really terrifying expressing it all and I’m so happy it’s been so well received. I hope that you’re okay too, and have friends that you can talk to and share with.
      Jas xx

  15. June 11, 2018 / 12:38 pm

    Oh Jasmine, try not to be so hard on yourself. I promise things/ life does get better. Your true friends are the ones that are around to listen to your ups and downs. That are there for the good times and the bad. And you can cry as much as you want. Just make sure the good times are there to equal things out : ) xo
    http://www.juanitalikes.com

  16. June 12, 2018 / 5:01 pm

    I love your honesty here chick. You really get to learn who your friends are when things get hard and you’re not the most pleasant person to be around, but those who stick around and support you are the people you want to keep close xx
    G
    http://www.teawithgi.com

    • June 15, 2018 / 4:11 am

      Thank you so much, I’ve been trying to keep things honest recently!
      Jas xx

  17. June 18, 2018 / 5:44 am

    I relate so much to this post- thank you so much for being so real with us. It’s so wonderful to get to know the writer better and see that you’re not apologising for being the way you are – I need to start doing that, because I have a habit of apologising for chatting too much or being silly. Thank you for this reminder- I really needed it. Sending you good vibes!
    Nati x | http://www.lifeaftercoffeeblog.com | @NAfterCoffee

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