To those who accept my “crazy”,
I know that I’m not always the easiest person to deal with. Sometimes my brain takes over and I lose control, and nothing feels as it should and I begin to doubt everything that I’ve come to know.
I push you away, I say things I don’t mean, and I cry. A lot. I wish that I could tell you it won’t happen again. I wish I could tell you that everything’s fine and I’ll always be happy and supportive and “easy to deal with”. However, the truth is I can’t guarantee that. I try and keep as much as I can to myself but sometimes others get caught in the crossfire and I hate it. Feeling like a burden isn’t fun, and neither is bringing you into things. I appreciate you so much for not letting it affect how you act around me.
I think I get scared and withdrawn because I’m so used to people using my imperfections against me. I’ve had past “friends” tell me that they can’t be friends with me if “I can’t sort myself out”, or take my asks for help as “begs for attention”. (Ironically, those same people now preach how important mental health awareness is every time a celebrity they love commits suicide).
It’s become increasingly hard for me to trust people. I often worry that people won’t still stick around if I’m not the constant supportive, happy-go-lucky girl I put across most of the time. I don’t want to cry in front of you. I don’t want to tell you that I haven’t gotten out of bed in 4 days. I don’t want to come across as an insecure, attention-seeking mess… But sometimes I can’t help it. And I’m so thankful that you don’t let that define our whole relationship.
The truth is, 70% of the time I’m not a fragile person… I portray myself with some sort of confidence and laid back attitude. However, that other 30%, my mental health plummets to rock bottom, which may be hard for you to process. I’m not a personification of my bad mental health, but it is a part of me, and sometimes that will come through. You don’t have to know how to deal with it – I don’t even properly know how to deal with it, and I’m not going to look to you to “fix” me. However, I want you to know that I appreciate you being there, and not taking everything personally.
Half of the time I think that it would be better to cut everyone out of my life and go it alone, because I’m undeserving. But I’m not undeserving. I like to think that I try hard to give as much, if not more, than I take in friendships. However, that doesn’t stop me feeling like a burden sometimes. Am I a burden? If I am, I’m sorry, but know that I am always here to help you if you need it.
I guess the point of this letter is to tell you that it’s hard for me sometimes, and I know that that must make it hard for you too. I’m so glad that you’ve stuck around and I’m so sorry if I’ve ever negatively influenced your mood. My life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, and I try to be as little effort as I can, but sometimes I need a little more reassurance.
Hope you liked this, just a little something I’ve been thinking about and needed to get out for a while. Obviously, this is quite a personal and honest post, so please be nice in the comments.
Lots of love,
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