It All Went Downhill.

It All Went Downhill.

This post is coming a little later than it should have.  Part of that is because I’ve been busy editing videos for my week of Uni videos that are about to start, which you can find here.  However, the main reason it because I knew I wanted to write this down, but I couldn’t do it while I was still in a bad state.  I like to remain honest and open on here, and I talk about when my mental health is good, so I should balance that out with the bad.  Because, recently, it’s all gone a bit downhill.

What Triggered It?

I have spent the last 2 years crawling out of the body hating hole I’d been digging since I was 14.  Obviously it’s been full of ups and downs, but I’ve become so much stronger when it comes to it.  Like I wrote here, I’m still aware of my flaws and I know there are things I want to change.  However, I’m no longer self-deprecating about it.  In fact, I managed to get through the whole of Love Island without comparing my body once!  That’s something I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do a couple of years ago.  I am stronger.  So much stronger.  I know I am.  However, all it took was a couple of comments to knock that all down.

Around a week ago I stood and smiled through someone telling me “I definitely need to lose a bit of weight”.  “Have you not been exercising?”  “Your hips look wider!” “You know going out on more walks would definitely do you some good.”  One I could have brushed off… Maybe.  Two I probably would have rolled my eyes, taken it personally, and then moved on in a couple of hours.  However, the repetitive jabs knocked me down more than I care to admit.

Yes, I am stronger.  However, becoming more self-confident does not make me invincible.  Last week I learnt how much further I still have to go.

The Downward Spiral

Credit where credit is due, Kris Jenner works hard but the self-deprecating part of my mind works harder. It wasn’t long before I was plummeting downhill, and absolutely nothing seemed right with me.    Every flaw that I’d come to accept had been brought to the surface and I really hated myself.

I’ve spent the last week not being able to look at my body without seeing fat and rolls.  My face is too wide, my hair is too gross.  I’m never going to be the girl that anyone – not even my friends – see a picture of and think “Wow, she is gorgeous”.  My personality is barely a personality; I’m not funny enough, witty enough, most people only tolerate me…  Honestly, when I get to this kind of a place, I can’t look in the mirror without seeing anything but a functioning, self-aware blob.

I spent the next day lying in bed, alternating between sleeping and crying (My usual coping mechanism).  It wasn’t pretty, but then again I didn’t think that I was either.  So, I guess it kind of matched how I felt on the inside.

But You Seemed So Happy?

Yeah I did, because I had some pretty great things happen.  I had the cutest dog in the world move in with me (She’s my friends and I’m dog sitting… But I’m actually gonna steal her, shhh).  And I achieved my 5 year dream of seeing Shrek the Musical.  There have definitely been moments of happiness, but they’ve been accompanied by an underlying feeling of grossness.  It had been a long time since I’d hated myself like this.  However, when I go downhill, I commit.  I speed downhill as fast as I can.

It’s scary that you really never know what anyone is going through.  As someone who loves to help, I hate the thought that my friends could be suffering and I haven’t been aiding them.  However, I’m also a massive hypocrite.  Not once did I tell anyone (Other than my mum after she forced me to, and one close friend after I exploded at them) how I was feeling.  I didn’t want to talk about being weak.  I wanted them to come to me even though they had no idea that anything was up.  It’s a weird mental state to be in, because even in the moment I can acknowledge that I’m doing the wrong thing, yet I still go ahead and do it.

So, You’re Better Now?

I don’t think I’ll ever properly be better.  At the moment, it feels like there will always be this self-doubt in my mind.  However, I’m somewhat “over” the comments made.  I know that I may never be someone people see as beautiful but I’m mostly okay with that.  I’m definitely happier than I was last Tuesday, and I have the objectivity to write about it now.  However, better isn’t a thing that happens overnight, it takes some time.

I haven’t erased all my progress, but I sure have a lot more to go.

 

I haven’t written a mental health update like this before, let me know what you think in the comments as I’d really appreciate the feedback.

Lots of love,

Jas xx

 

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52 Comments

  1. August 13, 2018 / 10:52 am

    You have a beautiful figure from what I see in photographs. However I know it’s not easy to listen to compliments! I can’t believe the nerve of that person saying those things to you!! That is so disrespectful and actually none of their business at all! If that was said to me I would have had the same reaction you did, so don’t beat yourself up because you couldn’t brush it off. Don’t know why people feel the need to be so negative. I believe people should live by that quote “if you can’t say nothing nice, don’t say nothing at all” and it’s so true! You just keep being your beautiful perfect for you self! 💕xxx

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 13, 2018 / 12:54 pm

      This is honestly the kindest comment, thank you so much <3

      Jas xx

  2. August 13, 2018 / 11:27 am

    Great piece, Jas. It’s good to be open with your struggles, I know it can be hard but a problem shared is a problem halved and all that. I hope your doing better xx

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 13, 2018 / 12:55 pm

      Thank you, I am feeling quite a bit better, hence the finally writing about it

      Jas xx

  3. August 13, 2018 / 11:36 am

    Honestly I’m frothing at the mouth that someone would say such horrible nonsense to you. You’re beautiful, you’re perfect you look like Linda evangelists, I KNOW you stoned those tights because you’re one of the most hard working people I know!!!!!! You deserve so much better than to hear stuff like that, mostly because it’s all fucking wrong and lies and just. it’s ridiculous. Nobody has a right to comment on your body and what they said is lies and bull anyway so fuck that noise. Your friends and everyone around you does think you are gorgeous because you know What? You are. And I’m not saying that because you’re my friend. It’s because I have eyes. You are so important and it’s so important you know that your value is incredibly high, beyond your beauty. But you are honestly beautiful so like, JUST, I love you please also love yourself and let me know if you want to talk and want to vent or anything cos I’m always here for you and I love you and i get what you’re feeling 100%. I just also know it’s very wrong and I’m upset that the world has you feeling it. Ily 💞

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 13, 2018 / 12:56 pm

      <3 <3 <3 I love you so so so so so much.

  4. August 13, 2018 / 11:38 am

    I think we all have times like this – there’s so much pressure on women – social media makes things worse especially with filters and airbrushing. Personally I think you have a wonderful figure!

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 13, 2018 / 1:00 pm

      Thank you so much! And yeah, unfortunately I feel like we all feel the pressure 🙁

      Jas xx

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 13, 2018 / 6:58 pm

      <3 xx

  5. August 13, 2018 / 4:16 pm

    I appreciate how honest you are about your body issues, I have been having a downward moment recently and I am finding it so hard to get out of. You are a beautiful individual in my opinion and your body looks perfect. However I understand how our minds can twist things.

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 13, 2018 / 6:58 pm

      Thank you so much, but yes our minds are really good at twisting things. Hope you’re able to stay strong too <3

      Jas xx

  6. August 13, 2018 / 6:57 pm

    I think you look gorgeous Jas, such a stunning figure and lovely personality. I’m shocked that anyone would be so unkind and nasty to you. You shouldn’t listen to their negativity (easier said than done I know) but carry on being your beautiful self <3 xx

    Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 13, 2018 / 6:59 pm

      Thank you so much Bexa, that means a lot <3

      Jas xx

  7. August 13, 2018 / 8:06 pm

    This is so relatable. I saw one picture and suddenly was nitpicking every part of my body. I fell into the old habit of staring in the mirror criticizing everything I saw. Self love is so hard to hold onto in today’s world and it’s even harder when people make rude comments.

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 10:35 am

      Exactly!

      Jas xx

  8. August 13, 2018 / 8:54 pm

    I’ve always found that people who have the nerve to say those kind of things are usually insecure themselves OR they are a completely negative person who would do nothing but bring you down if you spent a lot of time with them. I know it’s not easy to pick yourself back up – I’ve been in this place before and it’s completely unfair because someone decided to open their mouth and be so insensitive. You’re unique, beautiful and you’ve got a lot going for you – don’t let clouds dull your sunshine. Peace and love ✌️

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 10:35 am

      Thank you so much <3

      Jas xx

  9. August 14, 2018 / 1:22 pm

    this is crazy-I have been felling the EXACT same way for a month or two now!ive been working on changing and loving my body the way it is, but as you might already know, it’s extremely hard.im sure that one day you’re going to realize just how pretty you are.i love this!

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 14, 2018 / 9:53 pm

      Awwww thank you so much, good luck in your body journey too!

      Jas xx

  10. August 14, 2018 / 8:24 pm

    Great and honest post.

    Also, you’re beautiful… Not because of this post, but, BECAUSE YOU ARE!

    Sending love from Cali (California).

    Bree
    Letsbebreef.com/blog

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 14, 2018 / 8:27 pm

      Awwww thank you!

      Jas xx

  11. August 14, 2018 / 8:47 pm

    I think you’re beautiful, I can’t believe anyone would say those things. This post is so open and honest, and that’s inspiring <3
    Alys
    https://alysjournals.com/

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 14, 2018 / 8:53 pm

      Awwww thank you so much! That means so much <3

      Jas xx

  12. August 14, 2018 / 10:55 pm

    I am so confused at how someone can even say those things to anyone – how someone looks is not up to someone else to critique. If the person who said this is someone you see often/friend, I would recommend distancing yourself from them or just taking them out of your life cold turkey. It is honestly so disrespectful that someone would even THINK of saying things like that, it’s none of their business!

    You look amazing and are beautiful just the way you are, don’t ever let anyone tell you differently ❤️❤️

    Sahara
    http://saharas-dreams.blogspot.com

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 10:20 am

      Thank you so much <3

      Jas xx

  13. August 14, 2018 / 11:03 pm

    This is such an honest post. Sadly, there are more people capable of body shaming than appreciating its beauty. Always remember that you are beautiful. The glow and confidence that comes along with that thought give strength to ignore the negativity around. Thanks for sharing, it is really tough to share our insecurities with others.

    Love,
    Anjali
    https://www.laughingmirror.com/

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 10:23 am

      Thank you, I’m glad that you appreciated it.

      Jas xx

  14. August 14, 2018 / 11:11 pm

    Firstly, I know I’ve only ever seen a picture, but you’re beautiful. Secondly, I feel the exact same way a lot of the time so I’m well aware people telling you that you look good probably means nothing. I really admire the fact that you wrote and uploaded this. You’re braver than I am for sure. Stay strong x

    Sophie
    http://www.glowsteady.co.uk

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 10:31 am

      Thank you you’re so lovely <3

      Jas xx

  15. August 15, 2018 / 8:06 pm

    This is a really great post that I can relate too so much! I never used to compare myself to other girls but recently haven’t gained a bit of weight that’s literally all I seem to do! And I know how hard it can be to stop thinking about yourself that way! I think you look gorge and should be so happy! Xx

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 8:08 pm

      Thank you so much <3 Hopefully we can both get past this!

      Jas xx

  16. August 15, 2018 / 8:17 pm

    You are really beautiful and blog is just awesome and relatable. I also feel like this sometimes but people like motivate us. Thanks for sharkng

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 8:19 pm

      Thank you for commenting <3

      Jas xx

  17. Roxie Watt
    August 15, 2018 / 8:39 pm

    Love your honesty! I’ve found myself in the exact same position, and now I’m pregnant these feeling seem to be resurfacing. Sometimes oeople don’t understand or care about the repercussions of their words.

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 8:43 pm

      Sorry to hear that you feel that way too 🙁 Hopefully we can both get past it <3

      Jas xx

  18. August 15, 2018 / 9:02 pm

    Great post Jas, I love blogging because you meet so many open people who share not just the ups but also the downs. Easy to say but sometimes you have to just fade people out, from what I see, you look like a lovely happy person and you stay like that!

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 9:03 pm

      Awww thank you, yeah I’m trying to share both the downs and the ups!

      Jas xx

  19. August 15, 2018 / 9:06 pm

    Girl, you are beautiful! And I’m so stunned that anybody would have the audacity to speak to you – or anyone else for that matter – in such a way! It’s shocking.
    I relate to so much of what you’ve said as I have the same kind of feelings about my body image and you’ve explained it so well.
    I’ve had stuff said to me about my figure too but the opposite way – I’ve been told I look ill and gaunt, which nobody wants to hear. The thing is, I’m not. I’m a perfectly healthy weight/build for my height. But logic goes out of the window at times and it gets all too easy to listen to other people’s sniping doesn’t it?
    Keep your chin up and keep on being you xx

  20. August 15, 2018 / 9:34 pm

    Firstly, how rude and mean are some people…? You’re literally so beautiful, so ignore what the fools have to say! Secondly, I can totally relate! It’s like one minute you think you’re all good then all it takes is one photo or comment to make us fall back into this mindset! This self-love/acceptance journey is hard, but as long as we keep trying we’ll get there eventually <3 x

    Chloé

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 15, 2018 / 10:12 pm

      Thank you so much <3 It's a long hard journey, but we'll make it through xx

  21. amelia
    August 16, 2018 / 12:18 am

    Not that it matters AT ALL but I think yo’re absolutely gorgeous. Inside and out. But yeah, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is how YOU feel. Thinking of you and hoping you keep building that mental strength to let your light shine, because if you let it, it will shine sooo bright xx

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 18, 2018 / 11:39 pm

      Awwww this was lovel, thank you!

      Jas xx

  22. August 17, 2018 / 11:59 pm

    Brilliant post. I think its so important to accept and embrace ourselves, especially in a society like today! You’re very brave for sharing this, and thanks for the insight. It really could help so many others xx

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 18, 2018 / 11:23 pm

      Awwww thank you so much <3

      Jas xx

  23. August 18, 2018 / 6:47 am

    I am so sorry that you had to face those comments! Jasmine, I think you look gorgeous the way you are. Take people’s comments as a grain of salt (though you can take the positive ones as a bigger grain of salt that matters, hehe). It takes time to heal, and take the time that you need. We’re here to support you however you can. Haters can step aside, yeah? ♥

    Nancy ♥ exquisitely.me

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 18, 2018 / 11:21 pm

      Awwwww thank you so much for this comment Nancy, it was lovely <3

      Jas xx

  24. August 19, 2018 / 5:38 pm

    Jasmine, I always think you look incredible; I know it doesn’t really matter what I think but it’s true! I love how open you’ve been in this post as well. I’ve been having a lot of down days recently, feeling worthless, like I’ve got nothing going for me, that my friends only tolerate me… the list goes on. I lose sleep over it and I feel like I can’t complain to anyone anymore because I know it lowkey drives them up the wall. It’s a terrible feeling. I’m glad you’re in a better place now and I’m sure I will be after some time too.

    Meg x | the-writeblog.blogspot.co.uk

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 19, 2018 / 10:25 pm

      Thank you so much Megan <3 I feel the same sometimes, and honestly it's really hard to want to get it out but not want to annoy anyons. I hope you're in a better place soon, and I'm free to talk on social media anytime <3

      Jas xx

  25. August 29, 2018 / 3:54 pm

    I’m sorry you have been feeling this way, but it’s very refreshing to hear someone speak so open and honestly about self confidence. I think we ALL have times where we feel rubbish about ourselves. It’s the picking ourselves up and building back up that confidence and love that shows your true colours.

    https://whatabigailsays.co.uk/

    • thoughtsfromjasmine
      Author
      August 30, 2018 / 2:17 pm

      Awww thank you <3, yes I'm currently in the process of picking myself back up again!

      Jas xx

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