This post is coming a little later than it should have. Part of that is because I’ve been busy editing videos for my week of Uni videos that are about to start, which you can find here. However, the main reason it because I knew I wanted to write this down, but I couldn’t do it while I was still in a bad state. I like to remain honest and open on here, and I talk about when my mental health is good, so I should balance that out with the bad. Because, recently, it’s all gone a bit downhill.
What Triggered It?
I have spent the last 2 years crawling out of the body hating hole I’d been digging since I was 14. Obviously it’s been full of ups and downs, but I’ve become so much stronger when it comes to it. Like I wrote here, I’m still aware of my flaws and I know there are things I want to change. However, I’m no longer self-deprecating about it. In fact, I managed to get through the whole of Love Island without comparing my body once! That’s something I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do a couple of years ago. I am stronger. So much stronger. I know I am. However, all it took was a couple of comments to knock that all down.
Around a week ago I stood and smiled through someone telling me “I definitely need to lose a bit of weight”. “Have you not been exercising?” “Your hips look wider!” “You know going out on more walks would definitely do you some good.” One I could have brushed off… Maybe. Two I probably would have rolled my eyes, taken it personally, and then moved on in a couple of hours. However, the repetitive jabs knocked me down more than I care to admit.
Yes, I am stronger. However, becoming more self-confident does not make me invincible. Last week I learnt how much further I still have to go.
The Downward Spiral
Credit where credit is due, Kris Jenner works hard but the self-deprecating part of my mind works harder. It wasn’t long before I was plummeting downhill, and absolutely nothing seemed right with me. Every flaw that I’d come to accept had been brought to the surface and I really hated myself.
I’ve spent the last week not being able to look at my body without seeing fat and rolls. My face is too wide, my hair is too gross. I’m never going to be the girl that anyone – not even my friends – see a picture of and think “Wow, she is gorgeous”. My personality is barely a personality; I’m not funny enough, witty enough, most people only tolerate me… Honestly, when I get to this kind of a place, I can’t look in the mirror without seeing anything but a functioning, self-aware blob.
I spent the next day lying in bed, alternating between sleeping and crying (My usual coping mechanism). It wasn’t pretty, but then again I didn’t think that I was either. So, I guess it kind of matched how I felt on the inside.
But You Seemed So Happy?
Yeah I did, because I had some pretty great things happen. I had the cutest dog in the world move in with me (She’s my friends and I’m dog sitting… But I’m actually gonna steal her, shhh). And I achieved my 5 year dream of seeing Shrek the Musical. There have definitely been moments of happiness, but they’ve been accompanied by an underlying feeling of grossness. It had been a long time since I’d hated myself like this. However, when I go downhill, I commit. I speed downhill as fast as I can.
It’s scary that you really never know what anyone is going through. As someone who loves to help, I hate the thought that my friends could be suffering and I haven’t been aiding them. However, I’m also a massive hypocrite. Not once did I tell anyone (Other than my mum after she forced me to, and one close friend after I exploded at them) how I was feeling. I didn’t want to talk about being weak. I wanted them to come to me even though they had no idea that anything was up. It’s a weird mental state to be in, because even in the moment I can acknowledge that I’m doing the wrong thing, yet I still go ahead and do it.
So, You’re Better Now?
I don’t think I’ll ever properly be better. At the moment, it feels like there will always be this self-doubt in my mind. However, I’m somewhat “over” the comments made. I know that I may never be someone people see as beautiful but I’m mostly okay with that. I’m definitely happier than I was last Tuesday, and I have the objectivity to write about it now. However, better isn’t a thing that happens overnight, it takes some time.
I haven’t erased all my progress, but I sure have a lot more to go.
I haven’t written a mental health update like this before, let me know what you think in the comments as I’d really appreciate the feedback.
Lots of love,