It has occured to me lately that I may be addicted to being busy.
I know that I always complain about being busy and I find myself in constant states of stress… But the other day I thought about the fact that part of me may enjoy it? it fuels something inside of me and pushes me to work harder… Is that addiction or ambition?
The thought process
In my 4 month summer, I had a total of about 8 days where I wasn’t doing anything. So, what did I do? I turned my blog into a full time job, getting up at 8am and working 9-5. I gained sponsorships, took phone meetings and pushed everything I had into it. What were supposed to be my 8 days of “rest” turned into more work. I was busy once again, and free time was non-existent.
Since getting back to Bristol, I have not had a day where I’ve stayed inside all day and vegged out in bed. I’ve taken meetings, more sponsorships, met up with people, worked on the Uni paper… The list goes on. Two days ago my friend texted me to ask me how I was doing and when I replied saying busy she responded “Already?! You haven’t even started lessons yet!” And that’s when it occured to me that I probably shouldn’t already be this exhausted. I probably need a rest, but I just can’t stop.
I’m not doing enough
Part of this reason I keep making myself busy, is that when I’m idle, my brain tells me I’m not doing enough. Case in point: On Saturday morning I left the house at 10 for a haircut, went grocery shopping and got home at 1pm. When asked about my day, I began my sentence with “All I’ve done is…”
Yeah, I didn’t exactly do anything remarkable. But, I did have a busy morning, and yet my brain was not impressed because I was already home with nothing but extra reading to do for the day. It’s like, if I’m not having an internal crisis because I’m spread too thin, then I’m clearly not working hard enough. I set myself further challenges, I sign up to more things, and I push myself far harder than I need to.
I once read an article exploring the idea of addiction. It noted that you can be addicted to many different things, but we only seem to pay attention to the “bad” ones like alcohol, smoking or drugs. I already know that I have an addictive personality. I know that I get attached to TV shows and games and drinks (Lol I don’t think I’ve ever discussed my past Diet Coke addiction on here before) easier than I should do. My adictive personality is the main reason I stay away from serious things like drugs etc. So, is it possible that I’ve become addicted to a busy lifestyle? Honestly, it’s more than likely.
What do I do about it?
I’d love to be able to grab my head and scream “SLOW DOWN JASMINE” in my own face, but unfortunately that isn’t really an option. The truth is, with Uni starting today there isn’t really a chance to just stop. I have required reading, essays, Newspaper commitments, blog upkeep, a long distance boyfriend to visit, parents to miss… The list goes on. The time that I should have been doing nothing has been and gone. I’m committed until at least Christmas now.
I guess, I’m just going to try and be nicer to myself. I need to accept that I won’t always be able to do everything. I also need to set aside some time completely to self-care and relaxation. Perhaps if I book it into my schedule I’ll actually let myself relax (Which may just be the saddest thing I’ve ever written, I know).
Hope you liked this, it’s been on my mind for a while now. How busy are you at the moment? Let me know in the comments!
Lots of love,