I was supposed to have an entirely different post out today, but I felt like I needed to get this out of my head, once and for all. If you follow me on any social media you may already know this, but I have had a pretty terrible week.
I’m not going to go into major details, because it’s something I don’t really talk about on here, but I took a major hit. I lost a friend (They’re not dead, they’re just not in my life anymore) that I thought that I would have forever, and that was hard to transition from. However, as other people who have been there for me have noted, I dealt with this better than I usually do, and I could not be prouder of myself.
For the first couple of days I was an absolute mess. I did not leave my bed, I cried a lot, and I tried to spend as much time sleeping as possible. I was in the kind of state of mind where I believed I would never feel better again, and no matter how many times I told myself that all it would take would be time, I didn’t believe it.
I had no motivation. I’m behind with blog posts, I haven’t been creating new content, and I only went anywhere that I had an obligation to be at (e.g. Uni and Newspaper obligations). I was in this little hole, and I was content staying there. I was losing a lot of weight, I felt weak all the time, and it really felt like there was no way out. I woke up every morning feeling like I was living some sort of numb nightmare. However, 2 days ago, I woke up and I felt like the old me. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t longing for the past, I was genuinely okay. It was official: I’d been through the motions.
I feel like the reason I got over it so quickly is because, for once in my life, I tackled it all logically. The process was hard, but I constantly had to remember the following:
- Out of sight, out of mind: It’s so easy to stalk someone on social media, but stop yourself. I have been so tempted, but I didn’t because it’s better to just let them live their life and get on with living my own.
- Things happen for a reason: With this kind of loss, it’s easy to paint an ideal picture of the past. However, things can’t have been that ideal if they didn’t work out. Remember the reasons that you’re better off now. Let them push you through.
- You’re allowed to be sad: Again, it’s easy to be spiteful and throw pictures and stories up on social media of you having an amazing time, in the hope that they’ll see it. However, that’s not who I wanted to be. It was healthier to take my time, do the wallowing and actually get over anything. I’m not the kind of person to lie on social media. If I post a picture that shows me having a good time, it’s because I am having a good time… Lying is effort.
- Spite and anger isn’t worth it: I don’t have the energy to be spiteful and hate. It’s too much effort and frankly, is time and effort that I don’t need to waste on somebody else. At the end of the day, it’s better for my own wellbeing to be the bigger person and rise above.
Where am I at now?
Obviously, it’s only been a week and a bit, I’m not 100% back to myself. However, I’m doing so much better. I no longer have the desire to spend whole days in bed and my appetite is slowly coming back. I’m going out and interacting with people again and I’m back to basic self-care.
Of course there will be moments of sadness from time to time. I lost one of the longest and strongest friendships I had in my life. However, I have no hate in my heart right now, and I don’t have the capacity or need to hold a grudge about it all. I am happy with how I’ve handled it all and honestly, it’s only onwards and upwards from here.
So yeah, that’s where my mind’s at at the moment. How are you doing? Let me know in the comments!
Lots of love,