Trigger Warning: This post is about body image, and so discusses eating and weightloss in detail (But there is a happy/hopeful ending)
It’s been a while since I’ve spoken about my relationship with food and how that’s going, so I thought I’d get a little honest. Christmas time comes with a lot of excess food and alcohol, and that, combined with lounging around with the family can often result in a little bit of winter weight gain. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, and honestly it never really bothers me and is to be expected. However, this year I’m having some issues with body image and I thought I’d discuss them on here, all in the spirit of keeping it real.
When did these start?
As I’ve mentioned in another post somewhere, I went through a really rough patch in October. During this time I spent a full week rarely leaving my bed (Literally only for the toilet and food), and I hardly ate anything. When you are responsible for feeding yourself and you lack the energy to do anything, you just don’t get fed, so I wasn’t. As a result, my appetite shrunk massively and it took me a few weeks to get it back to where it once was.
The lack of food meant that I lost quite a bit of weight. I never weighed myself as I pretty much avoid weighing myself altogether, but it was noticeable. I went through a few weeks of wearing the baggiest clothes I had and making sure nobody could tell. It’s not because I was underweight – I wasn’t at all, but because I didn’t want compliments. People tend to assosciate weight loss with success and I didn’t want this to be the case. I didn’t lose it healthily and I (Unintentionally) lost too much too quickly. This was in no way something that deserved rewarding and I intended to gain it back as soon as possible.
During November, I focused on gaining weight (In at least some healthy ways). This involved bulking my calories a little more, paying less attention to what I was eating and not turning down takeaways as much. It worked, I was happier and felt more like me and things seemed somewhat back to normal… Until December.
What happened in December?
December was incredibly stressful for me. I had deadlines and Christmas balls and events to celebrate the end of the year. This meant a high amount of eating out and a lack of exercise, so the weight gain that I encouraged in November continued unintentionally throughout December.
Weight fluctuates, and I know this. Mine always goes up and down and honestly it’s never really phased me. However, this time it was noticeable (to me, at least). I noticed rolls forming where there hadn’t been rolls before, lumps beginning to form where there were previously not lumps… My clothes still fit – so I clearly haven’t gained enough to gain a dress size, but everything’s a little bit tighter and it’s played on my mind more than I would like.
What does this mean?
As I’ve briefly mentioned before, I’ve had many issues with body image and dismorphia in the past. I’ve tried every unhealthy weight loss method in the book, but I worked my way through that, and my brain doesn’t even go there anymore. If I’m losing this weight then I’m losing it healthily, but this comes with its own sets of issues.
You see, for the last four years I’ve maintained a steady, healthy weight. It fluctuates up and down, like weight does, but has always stayed in the same healthy range. I’ve been eating healthily and exercising, but I haven’t done it to lose weight since I was about 15. That was when all my body image issues started. I don’t want to end up down that hole again, so I need to go back to the dieting basics: looking at why I’m doing this, healthy ways to do it, and what I intend to acheive.
I’m not starting straight away – it’s Christmas season and honestly the last thing I want to be doing during this season is watching what I’m eating. However, in the spirit of being a walking cliche, I’m gonna get a good start in the New Year. And I want to document it on here.
So you’re a weight loss blogger now?
Not at all. Again, that’s not really my style. But I track my life on here, so I’ll be tracking this too. It won’t involve numbers or tracking my weight or bombarding you with before and after pictures every few weeks. It will probably focus more on cute healthy (balanced) recipes, updates on where I’m at mentally with dieting and rants about the gym (Because I have a lot).
Due to my body image issues in the past, if I’m going to do this then I need to do it carefully. So, the easiest way to do that is to track my thoughts and feelings on my blog. I hope you enjoy this journey/series! It will start properly in the New Year!
I would love to hear your thoughts on all of this. Let me know in the comments! Also, send me all the tips and recommendations you have!
Lots of love,